


Philophobia: GerIta

by Tyler_KB



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Blind Character, Chronic Illness, Depression, F/F, M/M, Nightmares, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychosis, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-16
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2018-10-06 10:49:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 21,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10332983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tyler_KB/pseuds/Tyler_KB
Summary: Ludwig enjoyed living far from others.He enjoyed his only company being his 8 dogs.He enjoyed living on 2 acres of land in the middle of Alberta, Canada.~Feliciano enjoyed living with his twin brother and his boyfriend.He enjoyed long walks with Noodle, his seeing eye dog.He enjoyed painting and baking.~Feliciano wanted a friend, Ludwig wanted to be alone.Feliciano felt like a burden, Ludwig questioned his worth.Feliciano had nightmares, Ludwig never slept.Feliciano believed no one could love him, Ludwig feared someone loving him.Warnings:Self-harm, depression, psychosis, PTSD, suicidal thoughts, self hating thoughts, intense nightmares (including rape, murder, and violence), medication, alcoholism, suicide attempts mentioned





	1. Ludwig

I'm I stared at the clock, eyes burning.

**3:43**

It read.

My eyes scan the blindingly bright room, the only noise being the lowered tv, which has some game show playing.

Well, I think that's what it is anyways.

Six of my dogs were laying in my bed in the other room, one at my feet as I drank another cup of coffee on the couch, the other one sat in my lap.

Besides the monthly shopping trip and the times Gilbert and Matthew visit, my dogs are the only living beings I see.

Each dog was different, and each had their own personality, likes, and dislikes, as well as one or more trained tasks to help me survive.

Alaric is the oldest, 6 years old. He is a Alaskan Malamute that is overly protective of me and the other dogs. He went into psychiatric service dog training 5 years ago, and now goes with me on the rare days I leave the house. He has the most tasks.

Blackie is a 5 year old German Shepherd, a very calm but hardworking dog. He plays with the others a lot, but enjoys laying with me on the couch by the fire as I read or write. He brings me my phone when I can't reach it.

Berlitz is a 5 year old Kuvasz that guards the house with his life. Although his fearlessness may seem good, it can get him in trouble a lot, or even hurt when he's not careful enough. He checks the entire house anytime I get back from somewhere, as well as my bedroom before I try to sleep.

Aster is a 4 and a half year old Chow Chow that loves playing in the snow. He is very energetic, often found running around outside with Berlitz, who seems to be his favorite of the other seven. He gets me outside at least once a day for 15 minutes.

Jäger is a 3 year old Shiba Inu. If you didn't guess, I named him while drinking Jäger. He loves to bother Amara, circling her until he gets a reaction. He normally plays with Aster and Berlitz. He works with Aster to get me up.

Amara is 2 years old, nearing 3. She is a Great Pyrenees that is incredibly calm. She likes having a small bow in her fur, and is often by the fire. Although you shouldn't let that fool you, she is just as tough as the boys. Amara is in charge of making sure I take my medication, eat, drink water, and shower.

Schatzi is a 2 year old Keeshond that is the definition of active. If I don't let her out enough, she begins running around in circles, trying to get my attention until I let her outside. She brings my attention to her when I'm somewhere different than the real world.

Imelda is the youngest, only 9 months. She is a Tibetan Terrier, and sweetest of the eight, always ready to show me and the others lots of love. She often sits in my lap or follows me around, and tries to get me to sleep in her own way. She always calms me down, making sure I know I'm loved.

It was Imelda that sat in my lap, curled up in a small ball, and Alaric was at my feet. Alaric was always near me, or would check on me constantly if he was playing outside.

I ran my hand through Imelda's fur, "Gilbert and Matthew are visiting tomorrow afternoon for dinner Ime." She snuggled farther into my lap in response, "that means we need to go to the store Alaric." He lifts his head up at his name, blinking in a way to confirm that he understood.

Imelda gently pulled on my shirt, looking up at me with a sad look in her blue eyes. This is how it always went, so I knew what her plan was.

"I don't want to sleep Ime, you know what happens," I told her, quietly, but now Alaric joined in trying to get me up, as I haven't moved from the couch in 6 hours other then to make 6 cups of coffee, lock the dog door, and pee.

It took 10 minutes of constant persuading with nudges and sad eyes, but I managed to get up, swaying slightly at the suddenly movement.

Alaric made sure I didn't fall, as I stumbled a few times down the hallway. Finally, we make it to my room, Imelda jumping on the bed next to Amara, curling up next to her.

The bed wasn't exactly large, but it could fit eight dogs and myself.

Alaric made sure I got to the bed, then ran over to my nightlight, turning that on before turning off the lights.

I don't like the dark. The dark meant that monsters could be lurking nearby.

Glow in the dark stars, planets, and moon covered my walls. Gilbert gave them to me, knowing it would help.

Gilbert lived about 45 minutes away with his long term boyfriend Matthew, but the two of them made time around Matthew's school schedule and Gilbert's work to come over at least 4 times a week to check on me. Not to mention that they call double that each day.

I stare at the wall, trying to keep my eyes open, but Imelda manages to, like always, climb over and lay next to me, curling to my chest. I gently run my hand through her fur, deciding that I should get at least one hour, or else I might pass out during the day, as it's been 3 days with only 4 hours, and miss going to the store for my monthly trip.

_My breathing was heavy, I could barely catch a breath before another scream ripped through my lungs._

_The man above me chuckled darkly, and I could see a smirk on his face._

_"You like this Ludwig, don't even try to convince yourself you don't, you fighting just means you like it."_

_"No!"_

_He just thrusted harder and faster, laughing at my pain._

_The man held my hair in a tight grip, forcing me to stare at him._

_"This is the only love you deserve Ludwig, the only kind your worthless ass will ever get. No one can ever love you, a dirty, disgusting whore that belongs to me!"_

"No!" I woke up with a scream, breathing heavily with sweat dripping down my back and neck. Tears streamed down my face, Alaric laid his full body on my lap, trying to bring me back from the nightmare of a memory that continues to haunt me.

I jump up, Alaric moving when he noticed me covering my mouth, which is my dogs cue I needed to go to the bathroom, running to the bathroom, reaching the toilet just in time as I throw up what's left in my stomach.

My crying doesn't stop, instead it increases at a fast pace. Amara drops a bottle of water at my feet, we keep them at the bottom of the pantry for this reason. Slowly, once I calm my breathing, I take a small sip, then another.

Berlitz holds my phone in his teeth, I knew it meant I needed to call Gilbert. I grab it, hands shaking. I press his number, the first emergency number, Matthew being the second. It rings only twice, even though it's 5:15 in the morning.

_"Ludwig?"_

I sniffle a bit.

"Hallo Gil."

_"Another one?"_

I nod, knowing he couldn't see it I answered verbally a moment later.

"Yes, it was when he he was doing...you know what."

He did know.

_"Do you need me to come earlier? I can pick up Mattie when he's done with school then come back."_

"No, I'm fine Gil, Alaric calmed me down."

I look around.

"Well, they all did."

He sighs.

_"You're so stubborn Lud, but okay, we'll be there at 3:00 alright?"_

"Okay, I love you Gil."

_"Love you too Lud."_

I hang up, setting my phone down next to me.

Gilbert and I never said I love you after I turned 5, but then it happened 6 years ago and I said it everyday, multiple times a day in fact.

Alaric stood up, going stiff so I could use him to stand. I used to be strong, with muscles from playing football and working out daily, but that all ended 6 years ago. Everything ended 6 years ago.

Now I was weak, only the slightest amount of muscle left and 15 pounds underweight for my height. Which was 5'11 if you wanted to know.

Alaric helped me to the living room and kitchen, making sure I sat down before sitting next to me on the floor. Amara brings my medication, all four bottles in a plastic bag. With the water she brought me a few minutes ago, I swallow each one, one at a time.

Amara grabs a granola bar, as she does every morning, holding it in her teeth as she walks back over to the chair I say in. I unwrap it, taking a small bite. I finish within 5 minutes, hoping that it stays down, getting up to make my first cup of coffee.

I stare at the clock as the coffee pours into the pot.

_'1, 2, 3, 4, 5. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.'_

My eyes follow the second hand, starting my counting over when it passes one of the 5 minute markers.

Schatzi nudges my leg, staring up at me. I know what she wants, so I walk over to the dog door and unlock it. Automatically, all but Alaric run out to play.

I sit on the couch, pot of coffee on the table in front of me. My hand reaches for the remote, turning on the first Disney movie I see.

The Little Mermaid.

Disney movies make me happy.

They make me forget.

They help me.

The clock chimes 7 times, signaling that it was 7 o'clock. I sigh, drowning my fifth cup of pure black coffee.

The bitterness keeps me awake.

I look up from my phone, where I was making a list for my shopping trip.

Ludwig's shopping list~  
-three cartons of 2% milk  
-one thing of orange juice  
-one thing of apple juice  
-two bags of apples  
-one bag of oranges  
-a dozen bananas  
-30 packets of ramen noodles (beef, chicken, and shrimp)  
-10 cans of soup (clam chowder, chicken noodle, and vegetable)  
-2 cheese pizzas  
-3 boxes of corn dogs  
-mustard  
-two 24 bottles of water  
-five 16 per box granola bars  
-8 cake mixes  
-30 bags of coffee beans  
-6 rolls of paper towels  
-10 rolls of toilet paper  
-15 bags of dog food  
-3 bags of potatoes  
-3 bell peppers  
-15 carrots  
-5 packets of rice  
-30 6 packs of beer  
-5 bottles of vodka  
-2 bottles of whiskey  
-15 bottles of jäger

I nod softly at my list, standing from the couch. Alaric follows me to my bedroom, sitting and watching as I change from my tank top and dog boxers into a long sleeved shirt, comfy (and very warm) pants, and a pair of black boxers.

I gently put on my jacket, being careful not to irritate the scars on my back. I grab Alaric's service dog vest and leash, carefully putting them on him.

Calling out to the other dogs, who were running around in the snow, they all run inside after shaking most of the snow off. All 7 of them run to the fire, sitting in front of it.

We, Alaric and I, walk out the door, me checking to make sure no one is there first. Even though it scares me, I climb into my car, Alaric sitting in the passenger seat. Slowly, with nervous feeling in my stomach, I start the car, sighing as it rumbles to life.

Careful, I pull out of the driveway, starting the 30 minute journey to the store.


	2. Feliciano

I hum softly as Noodle leads me down the street towards the bakery I own with my twin brother, Lovino. Antonio, Lovino's boyfriend, also helps out when Lovino is in school.

Noodle stops, so I do as well, hearing cars rush by in front of me. I smile down at her, or at least somewhere around her, "thank you Noodle, good girl!"

I always tell her this, thanking her and telling her she's doing a good job is very important to me.

Lovino laughed when I named her Noodle, but Antonio loved the name right away!

She is a Siberian Husky, and is able to take over for me, as long as I hold enough command over her that is. Lovino told me that Noodle will always protect me from people that are dangerous, and although I'm not sure that's 100% true, it makes me a little braver.

The smell of delicious, if I do say so myself, pastries hits my nose, and I smile brightly, following Noodle into the bakery I co-own.

I could hear people, too many voices for me to figure out the exact amount, surrounding me as I let Noodle lead me to the kitchen.

Someone once told me that I shouldn't be working in a restaurant due to being blind, something about messing up an order, and especially with a dog that could shed or something along those lines.

I simply told them that; 'I was taught by my grandfather Roma, God bless his soul, to bake despite my illness, I haven't messed up an order since I was 12.' I never got another comment, thankfully.

"Feli!" Antonio says from around 6 feet away, I hear his footsteps walking towards me from around the table. He wraps me in a hug, and I giggle, returning the hug. "Hello Toni! Is Lovi coming back soon?" I hear a snort behind me.

I turn, facing my twin. "Lovi! How was class?" I hug him, although he has to catch me, as I aimed a bit too far to the right. He sighed, "class was fine, I ate lunch with Arthur, Emma, and Camille."

Arthur was like me, although he was only blind in one eye. He told me that he will likely become blind in the other within 10 years. Emma is a long time friend, since we were in elementary school, and is studying to be a veterinarian. Camille is mute, but it never stopped her, as she is the youngest law student in her class, only 18.

Antonio ruffled my hair, making me giggle. "Sorry Feli, but I need to take care of the customers out there, hungry for their delicious pastries you two make," he says, I hear his footsteps as he leaves the kitchen.

Lovino claps his hands together. "Okay bastard, we got things to make, I got the coffee, tea, and hot chocolate, you get to mixing the red velvet, peppermint bark, and pumpkin cupcakes, all the cakes and cookies are out already, but the chocolate chip ones are nearly out, I got those in the oven now."

I nod at his orders, sitting Noodle by one of the chairs.

I know this kitchen like the back of my hand.

My hands run over smooth tables, finding where Antonio left the ingredients out for me.

The recipe is done in Braille, which Lovi hands to me, just incase I forget.

But I never forget.

I roll up my sleeves, running over the scars that are permanently craved in my arms, gently touching the biggest and deepest one for a moment longer.

I can't see it, but I know Lovi is looking at them with pure sadness as he does every time they show. I know he remembers that night, even though I don't.

Antonio told me a few hours after I woke up, 6 years ago this March 15th, that Lovino nearly tore down the hospital or punched someone in the face when they wouldn't tell them anything.

I learned later on that Lovino did in fact slap a poor nurse and doctor across the face.

I continue humming a small tune, the radio playing music softly. Baking is one of the only ways I can escape, art is the other.

The nightmares can't attack me when I'm awake, and Lovi and Toni will never allow him to come near me again.

They told me they will never allow that to happen to me ever again, they said they would kill anyone that dared to do anything to me.

I was never scared when around Lovi, Toni, or Noodle. Nervous? Yes, I'm always nervous, but scared? No.

The oven goes off, and I hear Lovino taking the cookies out of the oven, then placing my finished pumpkin mix filled cupcake tray in it, setting the timer.

The door bursts open loudly, making me jump 3 feet in the air, nearly spilling the red velvet mix onto the floor.

"The hero is here!" A voice I could recognize anywhere yells, and I break into a large smile.

"Alfred!" I'm wrapped in a hug by the overly affectionate 20 year old.

I can feel him wince in pain.

Lovino groans behind us, "Alfred, me and Feli are trying to work," he pauses for a moment, "go sit with Kiku outside and I will bring out you guy's regular."

Alfred laughs, "dealio my dude, come on Kiku."

He leaves through the door, apparently dragging my Japanese friend, and his boyfriend, with him.

Just incase you are wondering, we know some our best friends from a group for people with illnesses or disabilities that I'm in.

Camille is there, same with Arthur, and Alfred. 4 others as well.

Alfred is heavily scarred from a fire that overtook his house a few years ago, one that took away his mother.

The others are named Ivan, Vash, Roderich, and someone who's name I never remember.

Ivan and Vash are both there for PTSD, and they get along the best because they both have it for nearly the same reason. I know nothing more then both their sisters were killed and they are haunted by having to relive the memory.

Roderich's right arm from the elbow down was amputated after a car accident, which he believed meant that he would never play music again, but he has been able to learn and plays the piano for audiences around Canada.

The one I don't remember is a boy that was paralyzed in his left leg, he once explained that it was in a hockey injury, the one that ruined his future career, which was planned out for him during his 11th year.

Due to us all having a illness or disability, we get along very well and they come in often for drinks and pastries.

All but the one I never remember, who I hardly ever see.

Well, not see, more like...sense...if that makes any sense to you.

Apparently the one I don't remember goes to the same college, the University of Alberta, as my brother, and is studying psychology. Lovino nearly sees him though, because he's studying culinary arts.

I sigh happily, smiling, "Lovi! The pans are done! May I go sit with Alfred and Kiku?" There isn't a answer for a moment, "sure Feli, the only thing to do right is putting stuff in and taking stuff out, so sure, I might join you later with Antonio when the rush hour isn't happening."

I nod, smiling brightly. "Noodle!" I call to her, two seconds later I feel her brush up against my leg. I grab the handle, "okay Noodle, lets go sit with Alfred and Kiku!" I command, giggling and putting my arm up in what Alfred described as a 'hero pose'.

Noodle leads me away from the quiet kitchen into the room crowded with people. She, with no difficulty, gets me to Alfred, who I hear laughing with multiple others.

I'm met with happy yells of 'Feli!' When I arrive, making me smile at the fact they're happy to see me.

"Who's here?" I ask as Kiku, I know by his soft touch, sitting me in an empty chair. "Well," I turn to Alfred, "Ivan, Yao, Vash, Lili, Natalia, Camille, Michelle, Kiku, Arthur, and me are here, to your left is Michelle and across from you is Ivan, Roderich, Lars, Francis, Emma, and Liz couldn't make it."

Michelle, now that I know it's her, wraps an arm around me. "Hi Feli! How have you been?" I shrug, smiling. "Same old same old, the only new thing is that today is grocery store day."

Every 2 weeks, Lovino has me go to the store to pick up groceries for his, mine, and Toni's house.

I blush, hating the fact I need to ask this, "where is Arthur?" Michelle giggles softly, "I'll get him for you." She goes silent for a moment, probably getting his attention quietly as to not disturb the loud conversation around us.

"Yes Feli? What can I do for you?" A British accent says, sounding to come from across from me to the left. I beam at him.

"Ciao! How are you Arthur?" I love asking how everyone is doing, always makes them happy to know someone cares.

"I'm doing fine today Feliciano, how about yourself?" He says, voice always sounding like poetry...until he's yelling of course, but even then it sounds fancy.

"I'm doing wonderful! I'm picking up groceries for Toni and Lovino today, but other than that it's working in the back and maybe some painting!" Everyone loves seeing my paintings, they always say they're good but...I can never tell if they're lying or not.

Sometimes I think they are.

"Where's Francis, Arthur? Camille is curious," Michelle asks, always aloud for the ones who can't read Camille's sign language.

Like me.

Although others mess it up sometimes and translate it very different from what she was actually saying, but Michelle never messes up.

Arthur sighs, and I hear his back hit the back of the seat. "He's meeting his friend for a small shopping trip in an hour because they never get to spend time together, although it needs to be short because his friend is going with his boyfriend to visit his brother for dinner."

He goes silent for a moment.

"I'm not sure what's wrong with that boys brother, and all I know is he went through something traumatic a few years ago and barely leaves the house what is about 45 minutes from here."

"PTSD maybe?"

Michelle's head leans on me at the sad sound of my voice.

"I believe so Feli," Arthur says.

I hate when I hear about others dealing with PTSD, it reminds me of my situation.

And it's all because of him.

"Feliciano." I put on a smile, turning around to face my brother. "Hi Lovi! Can you join us?" I ask.

"I'm sorry Feli, but I can't, and neither can you, it's grocery store time, Antonio will be there around the time you get there, he can't drive you because it's still busy."

I pout playfully, petting Noodle. "Hear that girl? It's time for a walk," I stand up, "to the store we go!" The back of my shirt is grabbed before I go two feet.

Toni's musical laugh fills my ears. "Not yet Feli, jacket first," I chuckle in embarrassment, slipping my arms through the sleeves. "I'll see you in a bit, still crowded and the people need yours and my Lovi's delicious food." Lovino sighs angrily, "shut up to dumb bastard." Antonio chuckles, "you love me." Lovi sighs once again, and I can hear the smile in his voice.

"Yeah I do." I hear a gagging sound from the table where they all sat. "Y'all are gross! Get a room!" Alfred groans, Michelle giggles, "little Camille agrees with Alfred." It goes quiet from her end, until the table begins laughing. "You are little Cam! You're 6 inches shorter than me!" Michelle laughs again, "5 foot is short love."

Lovino leads me away before the conversation can continue, me laughing at the normal argument. Camille is the shortest out of us, and Ivan is the tallest at 6'2.

We all did measurements one day for fun.

"Okay Feli, you and Noodle know where you two are going, Toni will be there soon, call me if you have any trouble alright?" I nod, "aye aye captain!"

Noodle leads me away from our bakery, down the street towards our destination.


	3. Ludwig

I look at the Kroger, taking a deep breath before unbuckling my seatbelt and opening the car door. I grab Alaric's leash, letting him cross from the passenger seat to the drivers. We get out of the car, close the door, and cautiously walk towards the store, looking around for any potential threat.

I make sure to call ahead every time, wanting to spend as little as possible time around people. Alaric and I walk into the store, me gripping his leash tighter when I see all the people.

Alaric nudges me forward, a silent 'you can do it'. Together, Alaric leading the way, we walk towards the pick up area. The person at the counter looks harmless. Chinese girl, maybe 17, who is smiling and nodding happily at the brunette in front of her.

I get behind the other girl, tapping my hand on my leg as I wait. Alaric sits next to my leg, touching it to calm me down. Over the years he's learned so much from my body movement, sometimes I think he can sense my emotions.

The brunette leaves, and I step up. The Chinese girl, the name tag reads 'Mei', smiles at me.

"I-I'm here to pick up," I stutter out, and she nods, "name?" I scratch my arm. "Beilschmidt," I tell her. She presses a few buttons in her machine, smiling at me brightly when she's done.

"Okay! Your order isn't ready quite yet, we're getting the last few things, so you can look around for the next 20 minutes or so okay?" I nod, disappointed that they weren't already done so I could leave.

Alaric lead me towards the bakery area, the only place in the store I like going to because I love baking. Baking is one of the five ways I escape.

1\. Baking  
2\. Disney movies  
3\. Reading  
4\. Writing  
5\. My dogs

I used to run and work out, but stopped doing it as much 4 years ago.

I notice a brunet boy looking at the cakes, gently touching the glass and frowning. I see a large dog by his side, the words 'seeing eye dog' on her vest.

Slowly, with a lot of caution, I walk up to him. "H-Hello." He jumps at my voice, as do it at the sudden movement. He calms down, blinking in confusion. "Are you talking to me?" He asks, "um, yes?" It's silent for a moment, then he giggles. "You sounds cute, may I ask your name?" I don't say anything for a moment, then decide this boy is no harm.

"Ludwig," I say, and he smiles, "my name is Feliciano! Nice to meet you Ludwig." He puts his hand on the dog, "this is Noodle, as you can guess she's my seeing eye dog." I smile softly at the name.

_'How adorable.'_

"This is Alaric, he's my psychiatric service dog." He gasps, eyes widening. "You have one too? A service dog?" His voice sounds excited. "Noodle actually counts as a psychiatric service dog as well! You see, I sadly have a few disorders that cause problems in my life, so I need someone to keep me going, meaning Noodle took some classes so she can help me more!"

I come to the realize that, as I observe Feliciano, this is probably the most I've talk to someone other than Matthew or Gilbert in 2 years.

He frowns. "You're still there right?" He asks, and I nod. "O-Oh yes! Just thinking about something..." he makes a small 'hm' sound, turning back to the glass.

"I'm really sorry, but can I ask your age? If you don't mind, I ask everyone because my brother warns me about people too much older than me," he stops for a moment, "n-not that you sound older than me or anything!"

"I'm, um, 22." I regret saying it right after, but his face lights up. "I'm 23! When's your birthday?" He asks, smiling. I blush lightly, looking away, not believing I was actually giving this much information to a stranger.

"October 3rd." He nods, "mine is March 17th, me and my brother share a birthday...although that might be because we're twins, do you have any siblings?" His voice is rising in excitement.

_'I don't understand, how could someone be excited about talking to me?'_

"Yes, an older brother," I tell him, and he smiles.

"What's his name? Mines name is Lovino, he's 3 minutes older." I scratch my arm in nervousness, "Gilbert, and he's the most important person in the world to me." Feliciano smiles softly, looking away. "So is mine, I would probably be dead without Lovi."

Silence fills our space.

"What does the thing I'm pointing at look like?" He asks me, pointing at one of the cakes.

"Well...it's a cake, maybe 8 inches across, with red icing and 2 white roses with black piping on the sides that make little swirls," I tell him. He sighs, taking his hands from the glass. "Sounds gorgeous, Lovino once made a cake like that, we run a bakery together with his boyfriend Antonio," he explains.

A small vibration comes from his front pocket, and he smiles. "That must me Toni now!" He takes out an iPhone, and a robotic voice comes from it a moment later.

_"Hey Feli! I'm here and the groceries are ready, meet me at the front, Toni."_

He sighs, turning back to me. "Sorry Ludwig, but I gotta go...here," he hands me his phone, "put your number in, I would like to talk again, if that's okay with you of course."

I stare at him, then the phone, debating in my head what to do.

After a moment, I decide to put my number in.

I type it in, putting my name then handing it back when I finish. He smiles, putting the phone back into his pocket.

"Thank you Ludwig! Well," he starts to walk away, "see you around, well, sorta." He chuckles as he walks away. I stare after him, Alaric having to nudge me in order to bring me back to the world.

_'How...interesting.'_

The Italian's service dog, Noodle, turns a corner, Feliciano following, and I see them meet up with another man, who is smiling brightly at Feliciano. The three of them continue on their way, talking happily.

I slowly walk back to where you pick up, hoping the groceries are done so I can leave. Mei smiles when I show up again, "perfect timing! Your groceries just finished, Cole and Kate are going to help you carry everything okay?" I nod, watching Cole with caution.

Men scare me.

We push out three carts of groceries to my car, loading them in within 5 minutes. I turn to them, Alaric standing just in case.

"Thank you for he-helping me." I hand each of them 10 dollars, smiling unsurely. They smile back, thanking me and heading back inside.

I sigh happily, ready to be back home. I shut the trunk, opening the drivers door and letting Alaric get in first, then climbing in myself. I start the car, pulling out of the parking space slowly.

~small time skip, back to Ludwig's house~

I knock softly, which let's Berlitz know that I'm back home and he needs to single me that no one is there. It takes a few minutes, but I hear a loud bark on the other side of the door. I sigh, smiling as I open the door and Alaric and I are welcomed back by 7 happy dogs. I let Alaric off his leash, and everyone runs out to the front yard.

I bring all the groceries in as everyone runs around the yard, going inside and striping my heavy coat, the weather is a freezing 11 degrees Fahrenheit so you need one, and boots.

Before I store away the dog food, I put some in each of the dogs bowls.

Each one has their own unique bowl with their name on it.

All 8 come running into the kitchen when they hear the food hitting the bowls, waiting patiently for me to finish filling their bowl before beginning to eat.

I place the rest of the groceries in their respectable places, hiding the alcohol.

Minus the wine, Gilbert doesn't mind the wine.

But he says nothing else.

I still drink though.

I love him, but he won't take drinking from me.

No one will.

By the time I finish up, it's 3 hours until Gilbert and Matthew are supposed to show up, so I decide to sit and watch another Disney movie.

This time it's 101 Dalmatians.

I like that movie because of all the dogs.

My dogs curl up around me, keeping me warm and protected.

I press the play button, leaning back and relaxing, petting Imelda, who is sitting in my lap like usual.

The 9 of us watch the movie, but I start dosing off halfway through. I force myself to stay awake, but it's hard, so I stand, Imelda jumping towards Amara.

I make enough coffee for 10 cups, taking the pot and a cup to the couch, pouring my first one.

By the third, I'm fully awake.

The movie ends and that means Gilbert and Matthew will be here soon, so I turn on something random.

I think the show is called Vikings.

I've heard good things.

Now to wait.


	4. Ludwig

I look up when the doorbell rings, Berlitz running to make sure it's safe, he barks happily when it sees who it is.

Slowly, basically dragging my body, I walk towards the door, opening it and giving the two people there a small smile.

"Hello Gil, Matthew." The two of them smile at me, and I walk to the side in order for them to come in.

"Hey little brother," Gilbert says, messing with my greasy hair, although he doesn't say anything about it. Matthew gives me a soft, sweet smile, "bonjour Ludwig." I lean down, letting him give me a quick peck on each cheek as he does every time.

I stand to my full height again, giving him a smile, and lead him over to the living room.

By leading, I mean that I push Matthew in his wheelchair as Gilbert drops the food off on the table.

Matthew's left leg is completely paralyzed, and he can't walk correctly, so he uses the wheelchair to get around.

Sorta like how I have Alaric for help.

Amara walks up to Matthew, who gently pets her head, Jäger, and Blackie soon join. The rest of them, minus Alaric, are playing outside.

Gil grabs my hand, pushing Matthew over to the now set table with me in tow. He picks Matthew up, as Matthew refuses to do more than necessary in his wheelchair, being the stubborn person he is, setting him down in the chair to the right of me.

Gilbert takes the seat across from me after putting the wheelchair in the living room. Matthew serves himself some pasta and salad, Gil piling his plate on breadsticks and pasta, and I add some pasta and salad to my own like Matthew.

Only it's about half the size of his.

The two give me a look, but Amara took over before they could. She tugs my shirt, dropping a cup of orange slices and a plastic spoon at my feet. I sigh, picking them up and petting Amara's head, she walks over to Matthew, gently placing her paws on his right leg.

The rest of my dogs run in, all crowding around Gilbert and Matthew, happy from all the attention given to them. Alaric lays his head across my legs, my hand automatically moves to pet his head.

"How have you been Ludwig?" Matthew asks, even though he saw me not even two days ago and talked to me yesterday.

I shrug, "I'm doing okay, how about you?" He smiles.

"I'm doing good, tomorrow is another group meeting so I'm excited." I give him a small smile, hoping he won't do what I know he will.

"Won't you try it at least once? I'm sure you'll like the people there," he tells me, but I shake my head for the thousandth time. "I-I'm sorry Matthew, but I really don't want t-too join." He places a hand on my own.

"It's okay Ludwig, no reason to get nervous over saying no," he says, smiling softly. Gilbert coughs, drawing our attention to him. He's smiling at us, specifically Matthew.

"Ready to tell him Birdie?" He asks the blond, who looks confused for a moment, then realization crosses his face and he nods. Gilbert leans back in his chair, "well Lud, me and Birdie are getting married, I asked him yesterday night and he said yes."

I smile, a happy, genuine smile. "That's wonderful!" I tell them, Gilbert and Matthew nod, staring into each other's eyes.

I'm a third wheel, although I'm okay with that, as I don't want love.

Love is scary.

Love is dangerous.

After the announcement, dinner is filled of pleasant and random discussions. "Lud," I look from Matthew to Gilbert, who is smiling. "We will be staying here for the night, is that okay?" I nod, smiling back.

I finished my pasta and salad, and am now eating my orange slices that Amara gave to me. "Wanna watch a movie?" Gilbert asks, and I nod, an excuse to stay awake instead of sleeping.

Gilbert helps Matthew back into his wheelchair, Matthew sighing and rolling himself into the living room, me and Gilbert not far behind.

"I swear to you Lud, that boy is-" "perfect? Wonderful? An angel?" Matthew interrupts, raising an eyebrow and smirking. Gilbert blushes, looking away, "that boy is a perfect, wonderful angel o-of course." Matthew laughs, wheeling himself around and continuing on.

I smile, looking at the bright red albino beside me, who is smiling at his fiancé.

Gilbert, on Matthew's command, sets the Canadian on my black, highly comfortable couch, closing his wheelchair as Amara jumps on Matthew's lap, curling up.

Every dog crowds around Matthew, taking up nearly the entire couch. He pats the free seat next to him, a silent cue to come sit down. I walk over carefully, sitting next to Matthew, Alaric laying his head in my lap.

"So Lud," Gilbert says, drawing my attention to him, "what movie?" I think for a moment, going through the movies I own in my head. "About about...Winnie the Pooh?" Gilbert smiles, "awesome! I love little Pooh Bear, don't I Mattie?"

Matthew nods, leaning his head on me.

Me and Matthew are practically family, so stuff like this isn't weird in the slightest.

Gilbert jumps next to Matthew, cuddling into his side like a child, making Matthew giggle. Blackie, who loves Gilbert, jumps on his lap, curling up against my brothers chest.

The movie begins, and we go into silence, just watching and listening.

_"Come on Luddy~ just let yourself go~"_

_"No!" I scream, crying as he pulls my hair in a tight grip. My eyes are wide as I stare into his dark green eyes, wild with rage._

_"Don't fucking say no to me Ludwig!"_

_He slaps me across the face, throwing me to the floor. I cry out loudly, the sound bouncing off the thick walls. He climbs on top of me, pressing my wrists against the concrete harshly, making them bleed._

_With one hand, he grips around my neck, squeezing tightly._

_I can barely breathe, and I'm so close to passing out, I can just feel it._

_But I try to hold on, not wanting him to have full access to my body._

_He smirks._

_"Well, since you don't want to pass out, I might as well do it while you're awake~"_

_The man rips off my pants, turning me on my stomach and lifting my hips up._

_Once again, he pushes in harshly, giving me no time to adjust before thrusting hard and fast._

_I scream, blood dripping down my legs from what will likely become an infection._

_I cry out a few minutes later from my orgasm, crying softly as he pulls out, blood and cum covering the floor and my legs. He hits my ass, it will likely form a bruise._

_"Until tomorrow Luddy~"_

I'm crying as Matthew wakes me up with soft words.

"Shh, Ludwig it's okay cher, you're not there anymore, you're home, Alaric is here and so is Gilbert. You love Gilbert, Gilbert is your older brother. I'm here Ludwig, I'm Matthew, your brother Gilbert's fiancé, and I'm here."

He's rubbing small circles in my back, and I'm sitting in his lap, crying my eyes out at the memory.

Another hand joins and I jump away from it, even though I know it's Gilbert.

"It's Gilbert Lud, it's just Gilbert...it's okay, you're safe remember? We took you away, we took you away from him Lud, it's just a nightmare."

I start calming down, not before throwing up most of what I ate all over the coffee table. Matthew just leans my head on his shoulder as Gilbert gets up to clean it.

"Ludwig, deep breaths remember? In...and out. In...and out. That's it..." I do as he's saying, breathing in for 6 and out for 4 like my therapist taught me.

A pale hand offers me a cup of coffee, which I gladly take, drinking the entire cup in one go, ignoring the burn.

When I come back to reality, Gilbert is crying and Matthew is smiling softly at me, but I can see the tears in his eyes.

"Welcome back Ludwig, want some more coffee? Gilbert made you a pot." I nod, taking the second offered cup from Gilbert.

I curl up in Matthew's lap, face stained red from crying and throat raw because I apparently was screaming and yelling 'no!' and 'stop, please!' before they managed to wake me up.

All 8 of my dogs crowd around me and Matthew, Alaric joining me in Matthew's lap.

We sit in silence, Gilbert fixing another cup for me.

Coffee is the way I escape.

I still drink, but the scars stay old and the thoughts are currently at bay.

Matthew giggles softly a few moments later. "Ludwig, I love you, but please get off and sit next to me instead please," Matthew tells me, and I do as told, curling up at his side instead.

Gilbert joins me on my other side.

As much as it hurts him, I'm always scared of Gilbert when I first come out of the memories. Gilbert is built more like the man, where as Matthew has softer, baby like features.

I'm never scared of Matthew unless it's really bad.

Gilbert covers Matthew and I in a fluffy blanket, and slowly, slowly, I calm down completely.

Not until I've drank four cups of coffee drugged with sleeping medication.


	5. Feliciano

"What were you doing while you waited Feli?" Toni asked me as we drove home.

I smile, remembering the cool guy I met. "I was talking with someone, his name is Ludwig and he has a service dog named Alaric, he sounded pretty cool." Toni is silent for a moment. "That's great Feli!" He says after a bit, "it's nice to have friends, sí?"

I nod, "sì! I got his number too, I'll probably call him tomorrow and see if maybe we can meet up!" Toni chuckles, almost sounding nervous. "Yeah, maybe you two can."

We drive the rest of the way to our house in silence. Our house, as described by Lovino and Antonio, is in the middle of of suburb, red brick one story building with a yard that has flowers and a tree. It's a three bedroom house, one for me, one for Lovino and Antonio, and a guest bedroom for anyone that comes over. A large backyard where Noodle runs around with 4 trees, one is a apple tree.

The car stops, "we're here Feli." I feel around for the door handle, pulling it when I find it. Noodle jumps out first, me following after. I grab Noodles handle, smiling. "Let's go Noodle," I tell her, making her start walking.

We walk inside the house, Toni shutting the door after us. I breath in, the scent of pastries and tomatoes constantly there.

A strange combination, but I love it because it's home.

"Alright Feli, we're going to relax for an hour than head back to the bakery okay?" I nod, "let's go to my room Noodle," I command, and she begins only a second later.

The door is already open, so I walk right in, sitting on my bed. I take off Noodles vest, years of practice making me perfect at it, letting her get comfortable. I take off my pants, laying down, Noodle cuddling next to me.

I gently pet her, closing my eyes, slowly drifting off to the sound of Noodle's breathing.

_I walked down the street, cane in hand. I was smiling, humming an old tune softly._

_Suddenly, I'm grabbed, hand covering my mouth._

_"What are you doing alone beautiful?"_

_My eyes widen as I'm dragged, I start fighting even though I know it's useless._

_The man is strong, I can feel his muscles under his shirt._

_He chuckles in my ear, a dark, deep sound that sends fear down my spine._

_"Your fighting is cute angel, what's your name?"_

_By this time he's feeling me up, running his dirty fingers through my hair and touching my stomach._

_"None of your business!" I scream, I'm answered with a slap and the hand in my hair taking a fistful and pulling._

_"It wasn't a question beautiful~ tell. me. your. name!"_

_He ends it with kicking my shin._

_Without thinking I scream the first thing that came to my mind._

_"Luciano!"_

_I sob, trying to get away._

_He chuckles again, and I can hear the smirk in his voice._

_"Foreign hm? I've always liked Italian boys~" the hand lets go of my hair, his hands going to my pants._

_"Now Luciano~ let's have some fun."_

I scream.

"No!" I shout, hyperventilating. Noodle licks my face, trying to bring me back to reality. I feel liquid dripping down my arm, I guess I had been digging my nails into the large cut.

Like I tend to do during nightmares.

"Feli!" I hear Antonio run in, sound frantic. He's breathing heavily, or maybe that's me.

I'm not sure.

Noodle lays down in my lap, I softly pet her.

"D-Don't, don't come any closer," I command, eyes wide. "I don't want to be touched."

I don't hear movement, which means he's waiting for me to give the okay.

For a few moments, I force myself to calm down.

"Okay, I'm fine Toni." He sighs, and I hear him walking over. He sits on my bed next to me, gently taking my bleeding arm.

"Oh Feli, we need to find another way for you to cope, you can't keep opening this up, it will get infected."

I didn't say anything as he got up, returning a minute later. He sets down what I recognize as our first aid kit on my legs, and I feel him opening it. He bandages my arm once again, placing it back down when finished.

"Should I call Lovi and tell him that you can't come-" I cut him off. "No!" I yell, I feel him jump back. "Baking is how I calm down, don't take me away fr-from it," by this time I'm crying, he wraps me in a hug.

"Shh, it's okay Feli, we won't call Lovi, get dressed and we're go, how about some ice cream?" I look to where his voice is coming from, "with gummy bears?" I asked, and he laughs. "With gummy bears."

With Toni's help, thanks to me shaking, I'm able to put on my pants and a new shirt, the other one was drenched in sweat.

I hear Toni's phone go off in the other room as he's tying my shoes. I smile, "you can go get in Toni, I'll still be here," I tell him, he pats my leg. "Okay, I'll be right back Feli."

I hear him stand and walk out of the room. I gently hum a song, running my fingers through Noodles's fur.

We sit there for a few minutes as I listen to Toni talking in the other room, laughing joyfully.

"Guess what Feli!" He says, walking into the room. I look towards him, "what Toni?" I ask as he bends down to finish tying my shoes.

"My brother is coming down for a few days, he should be here tomorrow." I smile, "yay! I love Erico!" I exclaim, standing.

Erico is Antonio's twin brother, who lives about an hour away.

He's debated living closer for a long time because he has a few chronic illnesses that make it difficult to live alone, even though he has his service dog Henry with him.

Toni and I, with Noodle of course, walk out of my room, heading to the front door in order to leave.

Noodle jumps into the car, I follow in after her. I quickly make sure she's not in harms way before closing the door.

Toni opens his door, climbing in. "Alright, ice cream right Feli?" He asks as he puts the keys in, I nod. "Yep! Then to the bakery!" I'm smiling, gently rubbing my fingers over my newly bandaged arm.

Toni turns on the radio, and a Spanish song fills the car. Both Toni and Lovi are fluent in Spanish, even if Lovi denies it, but I'm only half fluent, although I'm getting closer to being fluent with every lesson they give me.

"Toni?" I ask, and he turns down the radio. "Yeah?" I sigh, "do you know anyone that speaks German?" He thinks for a moment, "yeah, Gilbert is from there remember? Why? Do you want to learn it?" I nod, and he laughs.

"Is this because of Ludwig? Maybe he can teach you," I gasp, pulling out my phone. "You're right!" I press the 'on' button. "Call-" "hold on Feli!" I stop, looking to Toni. "Why?" He laughs again, "call Ludwig tomorrow, I'm sure he's tired."

I think, putting up my phone, "you're right Toni, I'll call tomorrow." The radio gets turned back up for a moment, but Toni's phone goes off again.

He chuckles, "looks like Mathias is calling, one moment Feli...hello?" It's quiet for a moment, "Lukas? Is Mathias okay?" He sighs, "do you need me to bring something for him? Alright, I'm guessing everyone else is busy?" He laughs, "alright, I'll be there in a few minutes, I've got Feli with me by the way, okay, bye."

He sighs, "we're going to do a small stop okay? Mathias is having an episode and Lukas needs some stuff for him, we're doing it because he can't leave Mathias and everyone else is out."

I look towards Toni, "is Mathias okay?" He laughs, "yeah, he's fine, he has a few illnesses and they don't agree with each other sometimes, we're getting some easily digestible food since he is vomiting everything up."

"What does he have?" It's quiet for a moment, "I think it's irritable bowel syndrome, cyclic vomiting syndrome, and narcolepsy, it's the second one that's acting up according to Lukas."

"Let's get some ice cream then I'll run into the store and get some soup and fruit, sound good?" I nod, smiling.

Toni parks the car, "okay, let's run in, and we need to hurry alright Feli?" I nod, opening the car door.

I tightly hold Noodle's handle, Toni opening the door for me.

"Thank you Toni!" I say, walking in.

It's cold, and I smell a few of the stronger flavors. I hear a few people talking, maybe three or four.

Noodle leads me to the counter, sitting next to my legs. "Normal order Feli?" I nod, "yep! Chocolate with gummy bears," I say. "Okay, I'll have a single scoop of chocolate in a cup with gummy bears and a single scoop of strawberry with sprinkles also in a cup," Toni orders.

I look to my right at where his voice came from, "nothing for you?" He chuckles, "nope, just you and Lovi, the two most important people in my life." I smile, hugging him, he returns it.

"Here you go sir," a lady says, "thank you, here Feli." Toni hands me the cup, "it has a lid on it okay?" I nod, taking the spoon from him as well.

Toni pays and gets Lovi's, so we walk back out into the sun, getting into the car.

Noodle sits at my feet, laying her head on my lap.

The radio turns back on, and I open my ice cream, beginning to eat.

"Okay Feli, we're at the store, I'm going to run it for a minute alright? I shouldn't be long," he tells me, opening the door. "Okay Toni," I say as he closes the door.

I hum along to the radio, finishing up my ice cream.

"That was good Noodle," I tell her, scratching her ears, she leans into the touch.

There are five knocks at the window, it's our code to let me know it's just Toni or Lovi, before the door opens. I smile, "welcome back Toni!" I hear him setting a few bags down in the back, "thank you Feli, now let's hurry, I got another call from Lukas in the store."

We continue driving for a few minutes, "okay Feli, would you like to come in?" Toni asks after we pull to a stop, "Lukas said Mathias won't be able to talk because his narcolepsy kicked in so now he's asleep, but you can still see Lukas." I nod, "I want to see Lukas."

We climb out, both closing our doors at the same time.

Toni knocks on the door, we wait for a moment before it opens. "About time you two got here, you missed the idiot, passed out 10 minutes ago after vomiting up half his body weight," the cold, emotionless voice of Lukas says. I smile at him, "ciao Lukas!" I greet, "hallo Feliciano, how are you today?" He asks, letting us in.

"I'm okay, we're heading to the bakery after this," I tell him. "Ah, I'm sorry we haven't been able to come recently, Emil got out of the hospital four days ago, everyone's been worrying about him." I frown, "I'm sorry."

He snorts, "it's fine, just his gastroparesis working up, couldn't eat much so he had to get on a feeding tube, we decided to go when he had a seizure a week and a half ago, luckily Hundur caught it when he did, we were in the car 15 minutes before it happened."

The door opens, "talking about me again Lukas?" A voice I recognize as Emil says, I smile at him. "Ciao Emil!" I say, "halló Feliciano, so Lukas told you about my hospital trip?" I nod, "sorry to hear abou-" "it's not a big deal, I go more than I'd like to emit, it's nothing new," he tells me.

"Leon, let's go lay down, I'm tired." I smile, "hi Leon," "hey Feliciano," the Chinese boy greets, "think you can walk?" Emil snorts, "we live in a two story house, I'm going to have to walk no matter what."

"Smartass, I mean, should we, like, leave the wheelchair down here or are you too tired and I should, like, carry you and bring the wheelchair," Leon asks, and I hear Emil standing from his wheelchair. "I'll be fine, leave the thing downstairs, come on Hundur, let's go upstairs," Emil says.

"Where Mathias?" Emil asks, "he's upstairs, asleep in our bed for the next lifetime, don't go into our bathroom by the way, he had a throwing up episode and it hasn't faded 100%."

"Don't worry, I won't, let's go Hundur." I hear him climbing up the stairs, someone running over. "Calm down Leon I'm not going to fall," Leon snorts, "you, like, said that last time, but guess what? You fell."

"Ready to go Feli? We should let Lukas rest," Toni says, "thanks for bringing it, I'm not aloud to leave him and I don't want to give anyone anymore to do," Lukas explains.

"Berwald and Tino are with little Peter at the park, and Leon is already stressed with worrying over Emil." I smile, "how old is Peter again? Feels like I haven't seen him in ages!" Lukas chuckles, "turned three in September, trouble maker he is."

A hand is placed on my back, and I jump, "it's just me Feli, alright Lukas, thank you for allowing us over, we need to get going to the bakery, Lovino just called me wondering where we were."

I nod, "thank you Lukas," I say, letting Noodle lead me out of the house. "Be careful, and I promise we'll visit sometime this week, once everyone feels up for it again."

I smile, waving in the general direction of his voice.

"Bye bye!" I say as Toni shuts the door.

We climb in the door, and I sigh. "Lukas has so much to worry about, he's so strong." Toni sighs.

"He really is, a younger brother with chronic illnesses, plus his boyfriend, and now with Berwald and Toni having a kid, not to mention the days that Emil can't take care of Hundur, I'm surprised he finds time to do his editing job." I nod, "me too, but he manages so well."


	6. Ludwig

I look up from my cup, where Matthew is petting Amara while singing a song softly. Gilbert is getting dressed for work, which is where he's heading after he and Matthew leave here.

I was able to shower this morning, so my hair is soft, and I'm able to run my hand through it without feeling the grossness.

I sigh, "M-Matthew?" He looks to me, smiling brightly. "Yes Ludwig?" I look away, closing my eyes. "I'll go with you to the meeting," I say, looking at him. His smile grows, "that's wonderful Ludwig! You'll love it there, and the people there are really nice." I nod, questioning my decision.

Gilbert walks out of his and Matthew's bedroom, smirking slightly in his police uniform.

Gilbert is training to be a K9 police officer, in two weeks he'll be paired with a dog that he will be in charge of training and readying to be a police dog.

Matthew wolf whistles jokingly, Gilbert striking a pose. I smile, Matthew pipes up. "Guess what Gilbert! Ludwig said he would go to group with me!" Gilbert smiles, ruffling my hair. "That's great kiddo!" I roll my eyes, "you're only 3 years older Gil."

He laughs, plopping down on the couch next to me. "You're still a kid to me Lud." He stands back up, "welp! Time to go, you two got a meeting and I got a job to get to, so let's go!"

We climb into the car, Alaric sitting in the back next to me. As Gilbert is placing Matthew's wheelchair in the back, Matthew turns to me. "So Ludwig, my doctor is thinking about me getting a service dog, what do you think?" I smile, looking down at Alaric. "I think it would be a great idea, they're very helpful," I tell him, and he nods, sighing.

"I wish I just sat out that game, then I wouldn't have to have that damn wheelchair and I could go wherever I want." Gilbert sits in the drivers seat, staring at Matthew in disbelief. "What have I told you about talking bad like that Matthew?" He scolds, starting up the car.

Matthew, leans back, sighing again. "You told me that I can't change what happened, that I should love myself the way I am, and that this can't stop me from living my life." Gilbert nods, smiling at Matthew. "Good boy, now, let's get you two to your group meeting."

~small time skip~

Gilbert helps Matthew into his wheelchair as Alaric and I climb out. I look at the building, which isn't anything special. "Okay, lets go in Ludwig." Gilbert kisses Matthew softly, "okay you two, I'll be back in an hour to pick you guys up, we can go out to eat afterwards if you guys want okay?" We nod, waving to Gilbert, who drives off.

Matthew rolls himself up the wheelchair access ramp, I follow close behind with Alaric. Two boys are also walking in, both with short blond hair. One, the taller, notices us, lighting up. He drags the shorter boy towards us, I try to make myself invisible, but it doesn't work.

"Matthew! How's my best friend in the world?" He asks, hugging Matthew. He rolls his eyes, "Francis you saw me yesterday you dork." Francis places his hand over his heart with fake hurt. "I can't ask every da-?" He looks to me, eyes wide.

"No way..." he steps a bit closer, and I step away. "Little Ludwig?" I nod, deciding he can't mean much harm if he's friends with Matthew. His eyes brighten, and a smile grows on his face. "I haven't seen you in years! Where have you been? Are you doing okay?" I nod, "I-I've been doing okay..."

Memories start flooding my mind, a boy with long blond hair always with my brother and another boy who I can't name.

I look him over, "did...did you cut your hair?" I ask, and his eyes turn sad. "Not by choice, I was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, free now, but lost all my beautiful hair to it." I frown, "oh, I'm sorry to hear that."

He brightens up suddenly, "but let's not talk about that, let's meet again okay? I need to get to work now, but you can talk with Arthur during group, you remember Arthur right?" I shake my head, looking over at the other blond, Arthur, who is talking with Matthew.

"Don't worry, you will I'm sure." He smiles at Arthur, walking over and hugging him, giving him a small kiss. "Okay Arthur, I'll meet you at the bakery right? Isn't everyone going there after group?" Arthur nods, "I believe that's the plan."

Francis smiles, giving him one more kiss. "Okay! I'll see you then mon petit lapin," he says, walking off.

We follow Arthur inside, going into one of the rooms, where a few people stand.

Including one I definitely recognize.

"Feliciano?" He turns, smile brightening. "Ludwig? Is that you?" He asks, looking around, Noodle at his feet. I look down at Matthew, but he's talking with Arthur. I walk a bit closer, "yes...it's me." He holds his hand out, and, without knowing why, I take it in my own.

He hugs me tightly, I go stiff at the sudden physical contact. "Toni said I shouldn't call you until today! So I was going to after group but now I don't have to because you're here!" He let's go, grabbing my hand.

"Come on! I'll introduce you to everyone! I didn't know you were in the group! How in the world did I miss someone as amazing as you?! Oh crap, did that make you uncomfortable? I'm sorry if it did, where's Alfred?!"

I see a blond that looks a lot like Matthew look up from talking with said boy, smiling. "What's up Feli? Oh! Who's this?" He waves at Matthew, leaving him to talk with a tall boy.

Feliciano had his hand on my shoulder, looking a little too far to the right. "This is Ludwig! I met him yesterday at the store! Ludwig, this is Alfred." I stare at him.

His body is covered in burn scars and a part of his scalp is missing hair, one eyebrow with shorter hair then the other one.

"You look a lot like Matthew." I point out, looking over at Matthew, who is talking with the tall boy and Arthur.

Alfred laughs loudly. "Probably because we're twins dude," he says, and my eyes widen slightly. "Who did I not know he had a brother? Much less a twin...he's literally engaged to my brother..."

This time, Alfred's eyes widen, looking me up and down. "No way...Ludwig? I haven't seen you forever!" He pauses, looking back at Matthew.

"Wait...did you say he's engaged? To Gilbert?" I nod, and he groans. "Mattie! I told you that you're too young to marry! Much less marry Gilbert!" He yells, walking over to Matthew.

"I obviously don't know what he looks like, but I've felt his scars to get a picture. Um, Matthew, was out with their father at a hockey game apparently, Alfred was with their mother. Apparently the house caught fire, their mother died saving Alfred, but it left him scarred for life."

I remembered Matthew telling me about that, he broke down crying and he had to be comforted by Gilbert before he could continue.

"Is their a tall boy wearing a scarf here?" I nod, looking over at him. "Yes." Feliciano smiles softly. "That's Ivan, he has PTSD because he watch his older sister Katrya get killed when they lived in Russia, we don't know much about him because he's very secretive."

Feliciano sits down after feeling around for a chair, I join him. "What about a blond boy with a gun?" I look around, seeing him in the corner by himself. "Yes." Feliciano sighs, "that's Vash, he watched his twin sister get killed in a home invasion a few years ago, he constantly has a gun with him because of paranoia. Him and Ivan are basically best friends because they have a lot in common."

I lead Alaric under my legs so he's not in the way, Noodle is sitting next to Feliciano's legs. "Is their a girl with her hair in a braid and a blond boy that's frowning?" "Yes." Both were talking with each other.

"That's Camille and Arthur. Camille is mute and Arthur is blind in one eye, but going blind in the other, within a few years he won't be able to see and will be officially blind. He travels nearly all the time so he can see all he can before he won't be able to see anymore," he explains.

"Okay, is their a boy with his arm missing?" I see him talking with Vash, having joined him. "Yes." Feliciano nods, "that's Roderich. He doesn't remember what caused it to happen, but we think it was crushed in a car accident and they had to amputate it."

He pauses. "There's one more...but I don't remember his name." I blink in shock.

'He doesn't remember Matthew?'

"Um...his name is Matthew, he's engaged to my brother." His face turns into one of shock. "Wait...are you talking about Gilbert Beilschmidt?" I nod, "yes?" He smiles.

"I know him! He's best friends with my brothers boyfriend!" He pauses, and I see his eyes widen behind his sunglasses.

"Wait...are you...Ludwig Beilschmidt?" I blink, looking away. "Yeah..." his smile grows. "Gilbert talks about you all the time! How great his little brother Ludwig is, all your achievements and dogs, lots about the dogs. Is it true you have eight?" I don't say anything, he frowns.

"Did I scare you? I'm sorry if I did, can you at least tell me if you're still there?" I look down. "I'm still here Feli, and yes, I do have eight dogs, they're...very special to me." He sets a hand on Noodle. "Noodle is very special to me too."

His eyebrows move together, and he frowns. "Did you say he's a psychiatric service dog? Did...did something happen?" He grabs my hand in a tight grip, rubbing his thumb on the back of it.

"I...don't like to talk about it." He smiles softly, "I don't like talking about it either, nobody here knows what happened, only Lovino and Antonio." My eyes are wide.

'Was he...is it the same situation as me?'

I look him up and down, noticing the large scar on his arm, remembering my own attempt.

'It...it just might be.'


	7. Feliciano

"Please come to the bakery with us Ludwig! I'm sure Gilbert and Matthew would love to come along and I want to introduce you to my brother! Lovino will absolutely love you!" I say loudly after group has ended, grabbing his arm lightly.

He doesn't say anything for a while, making me worry a bit."H-How many people are normally i-in the bakery?" I think for a moment, trying to remember the time of day and day of the week, "well...at this time maybe...half full? Not crazy busy or loud, unless it's us, I think everyone is coming today! Lukas, he's a friend of ours, called and said the 7 of them will be coming after group so I can introduce you to everyone! You'll really get along with Berwald, you're both tall and quiet but you both have a soft spot too! Oh!" I giggle, "sorry, I'm being loud I know, not to mention talking way too much."

He doesn't reply for a moment, then he softly chuckles. "I-I'll ask Matthew, Gilbert said w-we would get something to eat after, s-so maybe we could stay for a bit." I smile, "yay! Alfred is driving me there, so you guys can just meet us okay? It's called 'Italian Brothers Bakery', I'm sure you can find the address online."

"Ludwig? Gilbert is here, you ready to go?" I hear Matthew ask, "um, c-could we go eat at F-Feli's bakery? He and his brother run in." I hear someone chuckle, it must be Matthew since it doesn't sound like Ludwig.

"You mean Lovino? I haven't seen him in awhile, my doctors appointments have stopped us interacting as much sadly, I would love to see him." I blink, "wait...you're friends with my brother! Oh Lovi talks about you all the time Matthew! I-I can't believe I didn't realize!" He chuckles, "don't worry about it Feli, happens more than I would like to emit, and sure Lud, we can go, let's just go tell Gilbert okay?"

"Okay Matthew, just come t-tell me." I don't hear Matthew reply so he must have nodded. "So Ludwig, where do you live?" I ask, hoping it doesn't bother him. He stays silent.

'Oh gosh, I hope I didn't cross a line!'

"I'm sorry if-" "u-um, about 30 minutes away? It's a really n-non-populated town, I live pretty far from other people." I sigh in wonder, "that sounds so cool, living away from other people, of course I would miss Lovi and Toni, plus all my friends, but it would be nice. Do you think I could visit you one day?"

"S-Sure Feli, I haven't h-had a visitor other than Gil-Gilbert and Matthew in a long time." I can hear the smile in his voice, I smile. "Awesome! I can't wait to meet all of your dogs, of course I've already met Alaric, he's here right?" "Yeah he's here, y-you wanna pet him?" My smile grows, "can I? I won't distract him or anything?" Ludwig gently takes my hand, "crouch down a bit, and no, I-I'm pretty sable right now."

Alaric's fur is soft and long, I run my hands through it with a soft smile. "He's soft," I say, standing. "You must take good care of him for him to be that soft." He chuckles a bit, "I guess so." Although I can almost swear I hear him whisper, "at least better than I take care of myself," under his breath.

"Gilbert said it would be fun to see everyone so I guess we're going." I smile, "yay! I'll see you soon okay Ludwig? If I'm not there when you arrive I'm sure Gilbert or Matthew can point you over to where everyone is, since they know everyone, or at least I know Gilbert does."

Ludwig drops my hand, it automatically goes cold. "O-Okay Feli, I'll see you there." I nod, listening to him walk away.

"Hey Feli ready to go?" I nod, turning to the direction of Alfred's voice. As we walk towards his car, I begin to wonder about something.

"Alfred?" I say when I buckle myself in the car, "yeah?" He answers, turning the car on. "You're Matthew's twin right?" He doesn't answer, I feel us backing out of the parking space. "Yes?" He questions, "and Matthew is getting married to Gilbert? Ludwig's brother?" I ask, "yes...what are you getting at Feli?"

I take a deep breath, "I was wondering if you knew what happened to Ludwig." He sighs, "I'm sorry Feli but I don't know, the only people I know that know are Matthew and Gilbert, but no one else. Maybe Lovino knows, he and Mattie are a lot closer than him and I, even if we are twins."

My hand travels to pet Noodle, "maybe I'll-" "listen Feli, I know you're worried, but I do know some about Ludwig. He used to be very different from how he is now, then he disappeared for a month and everything changed. Ludwig is two years older than us, Matthew knew more about him than me because he was dating Gilbert. He played tons of sports, football, soccer, track, even rugby for a year, but then it all stopped."

He takes a deep breath before continuing, I remain silent, holding onto every bit of information I could get.

"When he returned to school he was a shell of his former self, broke down at random times, especially when anyone called him 'Luddy', which is what people called him sometimes, like Gilbert and Francis, but every time someone did after he returned it set him off until it was shortened to just 'Lud'. I remember Matthew came home from Gilbert's crying one day, of course I expected the worst and became angry at him until Matthew swore up and down that Gilbert did nothing, he had found out what happened to Ludwig. He didn't tell me of course, not one single peep about it, but couldn't stop crying for hours until he finally cried himself to sleep. The next school year Ludwig showed up to school with Alaric, once he graduated we never saw him again. Neither Gilbert nor Matthew gave any information any as to where he lived, today was the first time I've seen him in years, the first time any of us have seen him."

My mind as running a million miles an hour at everything Alfred just told me, my thoughts just wouldn't slow down.

"Feli?" I look towards Alfred, "take care of him, please." I gently smile, "don't worry Alfred, I definitely will."

The rest of the drive is silent, on the outside at least.

My mind was loud the entire drive.

"Okay, we're here." I can tell the conversation put a damper in Alfred's mood, his voice told me everything. I follow Noddle into the building, which is louder than I thought it would be.

"Are Ludwig, Gilbert, and Matthew here?" I ask, letting Noodle lead me towards the back of the bakery, "I don't see them, how about you go see Lovino? I'll come get you when they get here." I smile, nodding. "Go to the back Noodle," I command, following her lead.

"Feli?" Lovino calls out from a few feet away once I make myself known, I open my arms for a hug, which he gives me. "Ciao Lovi!" I give him a peck on the cheek, "how has the bakery been?" I hear him sigh, "shockingly, quite busy and loud, Antonio and I have been working of asses off today." I frown, "sorry I wasn't here to help." He snorts, "don't worry about it, group is more important." He sets me down in a chair, "how was it? I thought you would be sitting with everyone, Peter is here you know, pretty much everyone is."

I cross my legs, "well group was fun...but I have a question." My voice is serious, and I can hear him stop all movement. "What would that be Feli?" He asks, setting something down. I feel him drop in front of me. "You know Matthew right?" "Yes? We've known each other for years." I can tell he's confused.

"Well...he's getting married to Gilbert and..." I trail off, not knowing exactly what to say. "Just spit it out Feli," Lovino demands softly. I sigh, "I met Gilbert's brother Ludwig and Alfred said you might know what happened to him," I say quickly.

He's silent for a few minutes, his finger even stops rubbing circles on my knee. "You...met Ludwig?" I nod, he sighs, almost sounding angry. "Damnit, I-I knew-! I-I...Alfred's right, Matthew told me what happened a week after he found out, but Feli, this isn't something small, it's something that needs to come from him and definitely not me." I frown, but nod in understanding.

"Feli?" My head whips to the side, "Ludwig?" I feel Lovino stand, "hey Matthew, I haven't seen you in awhile...you okay?" It's almost said in shock.

I hear Matthew giggle, "yeah I'm doing okay, had a few doctors appointments, no big deal, Ludwig wanted to come and see Feli and yours bakery, so Gilbert and I came along, he's currently scarfing down a blueberry muffin with Alfred, I swear those two are garbage disposals for food." I hear Lovino laugh, but it's more in relief than anything else. "I just...you didn't message so I got worried," Lovi emits, Matthew just laughs again, granted this one is a lot less humor filled.

"Don't worry Lovi, I'm perfectly fine," Matthew reassures, but I honestly don't think Lovi is.

Lovi once told me everything about Matthew during a two hour breakdown he had about a year ago.

Apparently Matthew keeps a lot of secrets from everyone, including that fact that, in addition to being paralyzed in his leg, he also has about five chronic illnesses he downgrades all the time because they were never taken seriously by anyone but Gilbert and Lovino. Unless I've somehow forgotten, he has Narcolepsy, Epilepsy, Gastroparesis, Lupus, and migraines, plus fainting spells.

The breakdown was because of him having a seizure in the middle of class after managing to get barely any calories into his body for two weeks, then waking up thirty minutes later only for him to downgrade it to the extremes, where he refused any help for another week until it happened again, finally Lovino got Gilbert to take him to see a doctor, where he got put on a feeding tube, which I believe he still has.

"Feli? A-Are you okay?" I look up to where Ludwig's voice came from, blinking. I smile, "oh yes I'm fine! Just got a bit lost in thought I guess, silly me." He chuckles a bit, which makes my smile grow. "Ready to go meet everyone? I'm sure they'll be happy to meet you." He doesn't answer for a second, "I-I don't know, there's a-a lot more people here th-than I thought."

I gently grab his hand after a small search, "don't worry, I'll be right here the entire time." His grip tightens, "o-okay...I'll go, promise to stay next to me?" I nod, "promise."


	8. Ludwig

The laugher and chatter is loud out in the dining area, and it turns out Feliciano and Noodle are leading me to the loudest bunch in the bakery.

There's over twenty people I'm sure, they take up half the dining space in the building, laughing and telling jokes as if there is nothing wrong in the world.

I recognize people from group, but nearly everyone else is a mystery to me.

"Feli!" Just about half the people call out, every single one smiling. One of them, a girl with hair in two long ponytails, stands and runs at him. "Michelle incoming!" She yells before tackling him in a hug.

Feliciano laughs, hugging her back. "Ciao Michelle!" He lets go of the hug, "everyone! I have someone I want to introduce, this is Ludwig Beilschmidt." They go silent, staring at me with wide, shock filled eyes.

I scratch my arm in nervousness, knowing exactly why they reacted in such a way.

No one has seen me in years.

Feli frowns, glaring. "No. We are not going to do that, Ludwig here is very brave and decided to meet each of you, so start introducing yourself without the shock please." Lovino, who had joined us, snorted, sitting in the chair next to Matthew, pushing Gilbert over.

"Who's going to start?" He asks sweetly, feeling around for a chair and sitting when he finds one. I continue to stand, not knowing if I'm allowed to sit.

The same girl that hugged Feli re-stands, smiling at me. "I'm Michelle! And this," she jesters to the smaller girl next to her, "is Camille, she can't introduce herself you see because she's mute." Camille waves, taking a small bite from her muffin.

_Memories of two girls hit me, a few years younger. One always reading the other laughing and smiling._

It's Francis that stands next, "bonjour again Ludwig! As you know I'm Francis Bonnefoy, an old friend of Gilbert's."

_My memories of him always include my brother, the two pranking teachers and students._

Arthur stands, "hello Ludwig, I'm Arthur as you may know, it's a pleasure to see you once again."

_A boy that Francis always bothered and insulted, even back then I knew they belonged together._

Someone I don't recognize speaks up from a different table, he's blond and expressionless. "My name is Lukas," he introduces.

_Lukas, he was in the magic club with Arthur, always had another boy hanging off of him._

Speaking of him, said boy stands, now years older but still recognizable. "I'm Mathias!" His voice is happy as he waves.

_Memories of a boy always smiling, yet scary when mad. Always around Lukas and sending him letters with love confessions._

Next is a boy in a wheelchair, a dog at his feet. He introduces himself as Emil in the same tone as Lukas, emotionless.

_He went to every football game to watch Mathias play with Lukas and a few others, he got his service dog two months before I left._

The next boy introduces himself as Leon, he's feeding Emil fruit, much to the others dislike.

_A boy who watched Emil from a far until he finally asked to be his friend, he once set a firework off as a prank._

The last three at the table are a family, Berwald, Tino, and Peter.

_Tino was in my grade, him and Berwald high school sweethearts, I guess they adopted a kid during the time I was gone._

The next table has only two people, a blond and brunet. The blond happily tells me his name is Vlad, while the brunt is a bit quieter, introduces himself as Sava.

_Two boys in Gilbert's grade, stuck together and nothing in the world could tear them apart._

The next table to go has nine people, five boys and four girls. The first girl smiles and says her name is Lili, the second says Natalia.

_A creepy girl that followed a sweet one, such a mismatched pair yet perfect in every way. They are years younger but I knew their brothers._

The other two girls introduce themselves as Elizaveta, 'but please call me Liz', and Emma.

_A girl that hit Gilbert with a frying pan a few times and one that brought me waffles everyday after it happened with a smile that didn't scream 'pity'._

The tallest and shortest boys are Ivan and Yao.

_Ivan was in the year above mine, Yao went to Homecoming him the year before it happened, people made fun of them before Ivan threatened them, which made it stop for good._

The final three introduce themselves as Vash, Lars, and Roderich.

_Roderich playing violin as Gilbert played flute late into the evening, Vash checking on Lili every moment he could, and Lars, who was my Biology partner Freshmen year._

The next table only has two people, another blond and brunet. One is smiling, the other shaking. The blond named Feliks, the brunet Toris.

_Feliks, I once defended him when someone called him names for wearing a skirt. Toris, who thanked me for weeks afterwards._

The last table has people I recognize, and a few I don't.

The first is Lovino, who waves during his conversation with Matthew.

_A loud Italian that only Matthew could control, who beat people up when they made fun of Matthew and gave Gilbert his reluctant approval to date his best friend._

Then a boy that says his name is Antonio, who smiles at me with pure happiness.

_Someone I remember that would hang out with my brother and Francis, getting into trouble with them in the early hours of morning._

In a wheelchair is a boy that looks exactly like Antonio just with longer hair and scars, at his feet is another dog. He introduces himself as Erico, Antonio's brother who is visiting for a few days.

_My memories of him are scarce, but I can vaguely remember his dog comforting me in the weeks following what happened until I got Alaric._

Next to him is an Asian boy who I can nearly automatically put a name to. Kiku, Alfred's longtime boyfriend.

_Memories of seeing him and Alfred visiting Gilbert and I with Matthew, watching them play video games while I read on a chair._

Then it's Alfred.

_A boy who always tries to make people laugh in their darkest times and in his._

Then it's Gilbert and Matthew.

My resent memories revolve around them and no one else.

And finally Feliciano, who looks a little too far to the left when once again telling me his name and how happy he is that I'm here.

I have no memories of him, until now.

Maybe this could work.

Maybe I'll be okay here.

Francis stands, tapping a fork against a glass of water.

"Now that we are done with introducing ourselves, Arthur and I would like to announce our next trip!" Everyone claps as Arthur stands, nodding.

"Drumroll guys!" Alfred shouts, banging his hands on the table. A few people join, including Peter, who is off on his right and left hand timing.

"We are going to South Africa!" People cheer, congratulating the two on a good pick. I see Feliciano lean over, "they've gone to every continent at least twice, this will be their third African country, the others were Morocco and Egypt," he informs me, smiling then leaning back over.

The conversation continues, a few minutes later I see Matthew start to fall asleep in his chair right in the middle of Lovino's sentence, who sighs and says something I can't hear.

Matthew shakes his head, waving him off. Lovino rolls his eyes, tugging on Gilbert's shirt, drawing him from a conversation with Erico and Antonio. Lovino speaks to him as I watch Matthew close his eyes, breathing evening out as he falls asleep.

I've seen him do this tons of times, but he never explains why.

I've asked him if it's another chronic illness, since I know he has Gastroparesis, kind of hard not know something is up when you see his feeding tube every time he comes over, but he dismisses it every time by saying it's 'nothing important.'

Of course I know this thinking comes from his family, who didn't take anything he told them seriously until his doctor diagnosed it when his leg was paralyzed and they were doing full body checks.

Gilbert looks over, than nods, standing from his chair. "We gotta go guys, Matthew isn't feeling very well, sorry everyone." He gets disappointed sighs and groans from everyone, but he just rolls his eyes.

"Oh don't do that crap, we'll be back soon, right Ludwig?" I jump at being addressed.

_'He's asking me?'_

I look from him to everyone else, then back to him, then finally at Feliciano, who is frowning at what Gilbert said.

"Y-Yeah, we'll be b-back." Feliciano smiles, as do many others at the tables. Gilbert smiles as well, ruffling my hair. "Alright Lud, let's get going before Matthew hurts his neck sleeping like that."

Matthew begins to awake as he's moved, looking around with tired eyes. "Wait, Gil, where *yawn* where are we going?" Gilbert just chuckles as he starts rolling Matthew towards the door. "Lovino said it's a good time to take you home, said that one; your Narcolepsy is kicking in, and two; your face is starting to flare up," Gilbert explained before he walks out of earshot of me.

Feliciano is frowning when I turn back around. "You can me-message me okay Feli?" He nearly jumps at my words, I guess he thought I had already left, before smiling and nodding.

"I definitely will! And you message me too, I mean it Lud." I know it's playful, but I part of me thinks the tone isn't.

I nod, "I promise, bye Feli." He waves, "bye bye Lud!" I turn away, giving a small wave to everyone, a lot of them wave back with smiles.

Once I'm buckled up in the car with Alaric laying his head on my legs, Matthew asleep in the front seat, I finally look up to Gilbert to ask the question I know Matthew won't answer.

"Gil...w-what illnesses does Matthew have?" He sighs, pulling out of the parking space.

"A few, I can't believe him sometimes, I constantly tell him that he can't keep downgrading them, but here he is, not telling anyone or letting us take care of him. Anyways, he has Narcolepsy, Epilepsy, Gastroparesis, Lupus, migraines, and fainting spells. I know you know about Gastroparesis and his fainting spells, but this one that decided to be a bitch is Narcolepsy," he explains, gently holding Matthew's hand as he drives.

The rest of the drive back to me house is silent, and I'm more than happy to be back home.

That's probably the longest I've been away from my house in two years.

I knock softly on the door, "check please," I say to Berlitz, who I know is there. After a minute I hear his barking, so I unlock the door and walk inside, Gilbert following.

He needs to return to work so he's taking Matthew, who stayed asleep in the car, back to their house to sleep.

He hugs me, "I'm so proud of you Ludwig, leaving the house for group and going to Feli and Lovi's bakery." I see happy tears in his eyes when he pulls away, I just nod.

"Yeah...I guess so." He just smiles and hugs me once more, shutting the door afterwards with a small 'goodbye.'

I collapse on the couch, head in my hands. My dogs crowd around me as I begin to cry, Alaric jumping in my lap when my breathing starts to become uneven.

I don't even know why I'm crying.

Maybe it's all the people I dealt with today? Or leaving the house for more than two hours?

I'm not sure.

All I know is my crying is starting to make me see spots of black, before I pass out onto the floor and that's all I can see.


	9. Ludwig

Loud ringing wakes me from my sleep, apparently I cried myself to sleep however long ago.

I wipe my eyes, looking around me. I'm still on the couch, Imelda curled up at my stomach and Alaric laying on the floor below me. Everyone else is scattered around the room, either chewing on something or sleeping.

I pick up my phone, which shows I have a text message from an unsaved number.

**_'Hi Ludwig! It's Feli and I just wanted to say hi to you!'_ **

I smile a bit, looking at the clock on my wall, which read '6:53' pm.

I save the number as 'Feli 


	10. Feliciano

It's Sunday, which means our bakery is closed for the day.

Lovino, Antonio, Feliks, Toris, Vlad, Gilbert, Elizaveta, Roderich, Camille, Vash, Lili, and I go to Church together from 9:00 to 11:30.

Matthew, Alfred, Ivan, Natalia, Francis, and Arthur go to their Synagogue.

Michelle and Sava go to the Mosque to read the Qur'an and pray the middle of the day prayer. Sometimes Berwald and Mathias join them, but today they aren't able to.

Sunday, from 9:00 to 12:45, is religion day for us. Most of the time, we split up, go to worship or to quietly read, then meet up to eat.

Simple, but very special to us.

Sadly, it's been a few days since I've seen Ludwig, but Gilbert said that he decided to come with us today since he hasn't been in a few years.

I managed to convince Gilbert to take me instead of Lovi because I want to pick up Ludwig, and drop off Matthew, plus, riding with Gilbert is fun because he listens to rock music instead of Antonio's Spanish music, which I like but you can only listen to the same songs on repeat for so long.

"Okay Feli, Lud isn't expecting you so be prepared if he's shocked," he says, putting the car in park.

I nod, smiling brightly, "deal!"

I hear Matthew hum, "have fun at church Feli, and say hi to Ludwig for me, I'll see you three at the restaurant."

I hear him get out of the car with Gil's help, and for a moment they talk as Matthew gets situated.

"Ah, little Feli is driving with you today, Gil?" I hear Francis ask, Gilbert doesn't reply so I guess he nodded.

"Well have a good time, and we'll see you at the restaurant," Francis purrs, I'm used to it by now so it doesn't bother me anymore.

Gilbert laughs, "okay Franny, you have fun too."

Gilbert climbs back into the car, turning up the radio.

He doesn't say anything, driving us and humming along to the music, whenever we stop I hear him drumming on the steering wheel to the beat.

"Sorry the drive is kind of long Feli, Lud doesn't like living near people so he lives a complete of miles from the city," Gilbert apologizes, the music gets a bit quieter.

I smile, "it's okay Gil! Lud already told me that, I think it would be fun to live so far away from people!"

He chuckles, "maybe." He turns the music back up, singling the end of the conversation.

"Okay, we're here Feli! Do you want to come in? I need to make sure Lud is dressed descently," he chuckles, "maybe you could meet his dogs? They'll all get along with Noodle." I nod happily.

Gilbert gets out, opening the door for me and helping me out of his truck. Noodle jumps out after me, I grab her guide handle tightly, shivering at the cold.

"Okay Feli, remember that Lud isn't expecting you." I smile and nod, "I remember!"

Gilbert helps lead me to the door by holding my hand, "take a small step Feli." I do as told, I feel we reached a higher level than the ground. Gilbert knocks on the door, automatically I hear dogs barking at all levels of noise, some deep barks others light and young sounding.

"Down! Sit and back up!" I hear Ludwig yell, the door opens a few moments after.

"Hi Gil-" he stops, I wave and smile at him. "Feli?" I nod happily.

"Yep! I decided to come with Gil to pick you up!" He doesn't say anything back, my face falls.

'He didn't want to see me...he probably hates me now...did I do someth-?'

"It's nice to see you Feli, I didn't know you when to church," he says, almost sounding relived.

My smile softens a bit, "yeah, both me and Lovi go every Sunday, same with a lot of people we're friends with." I hear Ludwig chuckle.

"Yeah...I know, Gilbert and Matthew have told me about the 'religion Sunday's'." A dog comes up and jumps on me, almost knocking me down.

"Jäger nein!" Ludwig yells, the dog being dragged away from me.

I giggle, "it's okay Lud, I love doggies! Do you...think I could meet them?" I ask, pausing for a moment because I was a bit afraid to ask and that he would say 'no'.

"It should be okay...Gil do we have time?" Gilbert makes a sound of agreement, I smile, jumping in excitement.

"Um, okay, everyone sit!" Ludwig orders, after three seconds Ludwig, I can tell by the heat and roughness, grabs my hand, telling me to sit on the floor.

"Okay, this is Alaric, you've already met him, he's an eight year old Alaskan Malamute." I gently pet his fur, it's soft.

One by one a different dog comes up so I can pet them.

"This is Blackie, he's a German Shepherd that is six years old."

"Berlitz is five, and he's a Kuvasz."

"Aster is five and a half chow chow, he's very energetic and loves the snow."

"Jäger is the one that jumped on you, he's a Shuba Inu that is three years old."

"Amara is two, almost three, and she's a Great Pyrenees."

"Schatzi is a Keeshond and she is two years old, she needs a lot of attention."

"And the youngest is Imelda, she's a Tibetan Terrier that's nine months, and very very lovable."

I pet and hug each one, Amara seems to like me the most by all the kisses she's giving me. Noodle walks off when I give her permission, letting go of her handle. Imelda, I can tell by her size and fur, jumps onto my lap, basically pushing Amara out of the way.

I giggle, "Imelda! Thats rude," I playfully scold, smiling at her.

Gilbert laughs to the left of me, "alright Feli, I think it's time to go to church, say goodbye to all the dogs." I do as told, kissing both Amara and Imelda.

"Noodle come!" In a moment I feel her brush up against me, I grab her handle once I find it, standing up, "okay, guide Noodle."

"Ludwig actually combed his hair! Such a good boy," Gilbert jokes, I hear the door open.

"Gil..." Ludwig whines, obliviously embarrassed. I smile toward his voice.

"Can I...feel it? To get a picture of it? I don't think I've gotten a picture of you yet...you know, feel your face and ask questions of your hair and eye color."

He pauses, but answers right as I was about to tell him it was okay for him to say 'no'. "Sure Feli, I think I can handle that type of touch." I smile in gratitude.

I reach up and gently touch his face, "close your eyes." I feel him do I as I said. I slowly feel his face and hair, getting a picture of him.

"What's your hair color?"

"Blonde."

"Eye color?"

"Light blue."

"Skin color?"

"Pale."

I smile, "it's done!" Gilbert is silent, they both are. I hear Gilbert whisper something in German, Ludwig replies quietly. I'm scared of what they're saying, my hands are gently grabbed when my breathing starts to get heavy and I begin shaking.

"It's okay Feli, Gilbert just asked me a...private question," he pauses, "how about we go to church? We're running a bit late." I smile, nodding as I take a few a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself down.

"Yeah...that sounds great."


	11. Ludwig

Its been two weeks since I went to church with everyone, and it felt...really good to go back. I'm not a super religous person, but I'm not atheist you know? I still believe in God and Heaven and Hell and such, I just don't pray every day or read the Bible like Feliciano and Gilbert do. 

I've started to go out more with Gilbert and Matthew, which often end in going to Feli and Lovino's cafe, and as happy I am that I'm starting to gain more bravery, I'm starting to regret it.

Why? It's because I'm starting to really like Feli...like _really_ like.

I shouldn't feel like this for him, it's dangerous, horrifying, and can only end in pain.

But...Feli could never hurt me.

His past is like mine, but that scares me because Feli is like just me... _damaged_.

"Hey Lud? I have a small request..." Gilbert says, walking to the living room, where Matthew and I are doing some online shopping for the service dog Matthew will be getting in a month (his doctor finally signed off on it, the dog is a one year old rottweiler Matthew is naming Padfoot). 

I look up, hair freshly washed and clean clothes on my body, "yes?" He shifts uncomfortably, holding his phone to his side.

"Well...Antonio and Lovino need to go to Spain to see Antonio's father, who is in the hospital and isn't likely to survive much longer..." he trails off, looking down at his phone, "but Feli can't go and he needs somewhere to go...so I invited him to stay here since he's most comfortable around you...but I obviously need your premission, if not he can stay with Francis and Arthur-"

"He can come..."

The words shock all three of us, but I don't take them back. I don't look at them in the eyes, but I see Gilbert smile, putting the phone up to his ear. 

"He said it's okay! Alright so..." he looks back at me, "Lud may I tell Lovino and Antonio your address? If not they can meet me somewhere and I'm go get him in about two hours."

I think about those two. Lovino, who has warmed up to me, and Antonio, my brothers best friend since they can kids.

"Yeah, it's okay." 

He smiles, "okay so you go down Highway 99..." he trails off, walking back to the front room, where he sometimes works when neither Matthew nor I are.

A gently hand is placed on my shoulder, "I'm so proud of you Lud, we've had Feli stay with a few times, he's a joy to have, and he'll love to help you bake if you help him out, since it's not in braile." Mattthew's smile is soft, I manage a small smile back.

My smile falls, "wait...braile?" He nods, looking a bit confused.

"Yes, it's where-" "I-I know what it is...but...do you think we could label stuff? In braile I mean...I can look up how to do it and-" "Ludwig."

I stop, looking at Matthew.

I expected some kind of anger by the use of my full first name, but there is none to be seen...just shock and pure joy.

"I don't know if anyone has thought to do that for him...he knew Lovino and Antonio's house and the cafe like the back of his hand so it wasn't needed...but..." his eyes widen, "the hot glue guns, you have a few right? For your art projects?" I nod, "we can look up what the words are online, oh Lud do you know how happy this will make Feli?"

It's not a question most would answer, something to be left unanswered because we both knew it already. Yet, I wanted to voice the answer.

"So happy..."

Two simple words that struck me in the heart, and as much as it horrifyed me, I knew it was true and there was nothing I could.

I liked Feli, _a lot_.

Gilbert walks back in, "so they should be here in about two hours-" he looks at us, "what did I miss?" 

Matthew smiles at him, "we're going to label everything in braile for Feli with hot glue guns."

Gilbert doesn't react for a moment, just stares in shock, looking from me to Matthew.

"Well? What are you guys waiting for? We got two hours to label this house!"

I get three hot glue guns from my art box, plugging them in. One in the kitchen, where Matthew is labeling some food and ingredients that are often used, one in the front room, where Gilbert will label there, the living room, and dining room, and mine is in the hallway, where I'll label the doors, the guest bedroom, and bathroom.

Because of my many art projects, I bought some high tech equipment, including hot glue guns you can use without them being plugged in.

Matthew is using his laptop, Gilbert his phone, and me my laptop.

I first look up 'bathroom', labeling that door, then 'Ludwig's room', and 'guest bedroom'. 

Those were easy, then we got you the more complicated stuff, which weren't so easy.

I got the guest bedroom and half the bathroom done by the time the door bell rang.

Gil and Mattie called out when they finished something, I did as well.

Mattie finished about 3/4 of the pantry and half the fridge/freezer, Gil finished the front room and dining room, but only about three pieces of furniture in the living room.

"Holy shit they're here!" Gilbert yells, throwing the hot glue gun halfway across the living room at the front door.

Matthew rolls his eyes, going to the door, picking up the glue gun and setting it on the front table carefully. 

He opens the door, "hello guys, come on in."

All the dogs are outside, so they three of them are able to easily come in. Antonio had obviously been crying, both Lovino and Feli looked very sad as well.

Lovino closes the door, "we need to leave soon but-" he looks at the closed door, eyes narrowing, "Mattie? Is this-?" "Yes, Lud's idea, most of this stuff is labeled."

He must have seen the braile (the door is labeled 'front door'), his eyes tear up.

"Hey Antonio, look at this." Antonio walks over, leaning on Lovino for support (he looks incredibly tired).

"Is that-?" "Yes, Mattie said it was Ludwig's idea..." the shorter turns back, walking over and gripping my hand.

"Thank you so much Ludwig...Feli will be overjoyed." I've never heard this voice from Lovino, who is normally sarcastic and passive agressive.

This thank you is genuine, and one of the best things I've ever been told.

"You're welcome...Feli is...a wonderful friend."

Lovino smiles, "can I show him? Your brother seems to have stolen him, but I'm sure he'll love to know about this."

I nod, he steps back a bit.

"Hey nerd, come look at this!" Feli peeks around the corner, Gil right above him.

"Yes Lovi? Are you guys leaving?" Lovino shakes his head.

"We're about to, but I want to show you something."

Feli smiles, skipping over to us with Noodle.

"What is it? Did you get me a present without me knowing?" He's smiling, it's so sweet that my earlier thoughts are multipled...I almost want to scream.

"Not from me nor Antonio, Ludwig did something for you for your stay." Feli looks around, holding out his hand.

"Oh what is it? Did he bake something? He loves baking, but I don't smell anything...did he make me an art project? Write something? Did he make Noodle food?!" I smile, chuckling quietly.

Feli turns to the sound, "Lud! What did you get me? I can't wait to know!"

I gently grab his hand, a touch I've become comforable with in the last few weeks.

"Come here." I lead him to the door, moving his hand to the label, "this is what Gil, Mattie, and I did, it's all over the house and it's labeling some ingredients so we can bake..."

His face is blank, "it says 'front door' in braile..." his hand goes down the door, reaching the handle and lock. "This is...your front door, but it's labeled so I know..." he turns to me, face full of an emotion I can't currently place, but I've seen that emotion on other peoples faces.

"Can I...can I hug you?" He asks, and I nod.

"Yeah..."

He does, lanching himself at me and hugging me as tightly as possible, dropping Noodle's handle. His glasses dig into my chest, but I ignore them in favor of hugging him back.

"Thank you so much Ludwig...this is one of nicest things anyone has ever done for me...even if it doesn't seem like that big of a deal..."

"You're welcome Feli, I would do it all over again if it meant you will be happy."

Behind me the monster rages, and the voices in my head are screaming, but for now Feli is hugging me like his life depends on it and for the first time in so long, I craved for the touch to continue.


	12. Feliciano

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all are about to be shook when I tell you that 1: this chapter has been finished for months and 2: it's the final one, you are allowed to kill me

Staying at Ludwig's has been...so amazing.

It's my second full day, but yesterday Lovi called and said they will likely be gone for a week and a half! Even more time than I thought to spend with Ludwig!

Which lead to me making sure with Ludwig that is was okay if I stayed that long, if not I could go with Arthur and Francis or Michelle and Camille, but Lud told me multiple times that it will be fine, he emitted that he sometimes get a little lonely while alone.

Well, alone other than his dogs, who Ludwig say love me more than him!

But that isn't true, they love Lud much more than me, I am just a guest in their house.

Matthew and Gilbert left yesterday at around six, and since Lud and I went to bed at eight, we haven't truely been alone together very long.

Right now it's ten in the morning, I woke up maybe fifteen minutes ago, and Noodle is laying next to me as I listen to some music on my phone, humming along. I didn't sleep very well, nightmares and such, but Noodle woke me up before they could get too bad, after waking up for the fourth time I just put my headphones in, which distract my mind.

"Feli?" I hear, although the voice only barely goes through my headphones.

I take them out, "yeah?" I call out, really hoping it's Lud. I mean, who else would it be? But it's always possible that he found me again, oh god...what he got to Lud and is now back for me?!

"It's Ludwig, do you mind if I come in?" Oh thank God, it is Ludwig.

"Yeah that's okay!" I reply, sitting up, turning my head to the left as I hear him open the door.

"I figured you might want to- oh my god!" He yells, my eyes widen, I uselessly look around in a panic.

"What?!" I scream, mind coming up with the worst possible situations possible.

"You're nude!" Lud exclaims in horror, I stop moving, processing what he just said.

My hand runs down my body, landing at my thighs, which have nothing on them.

"Oh...it seems I am..." he doesn't say anything, I begin chuckling, but it quickly becomes loud, likely quite ugly, laughing.

"Why...Why are you laughing?" He asks, I hear him walk slowly over (the creek in the floor boards under the carpet give him away), but I have to calm myself before I can reply, first I cover my legs with the blanket before I can even think of stopping though.

"Sorry, I should have warned you about that...I sleep naked, and if I don't I end up taking off my clothes during the night without realizing it, they can end up anywhere," I pause, looking around the room to no result, "speaking of that, where did my clothes go?"

Ludwig doesn't reply for a moment, but regains his composure soon enough, "I-I...well your shirt is next to the bed on the floor," a piece of fabric, my shirt, is placed in my lap, "your pants made it to the oppisite corner of the bed...and your, um, underwear is on the dresser."

I hum, throwing on my shirt and night pants plus underwear when Ludwig hands them to me, "darn, you know Lud, once my shirt ended up in the toilet, granted I was sleepwalking at that time...but I stopped sleepwalking a few months ago so you don't need to worry about that."

Ludwig doesn't reply, I grab my stick since Noodle isn't geared up (I don't typically use her for guide when we're inside), moving it along the floor by tapping it, my prefered method. Some people use it by just gliding it across the floor, but I don't really like do it like that, I feel like it takes more concentration? I don't know how to explain it really.

"So what were you wondering before we realized I was naked?" I ask, hitting his bare foot, "oops, sorry about that Lud," I giggle, as this is the third time its happened since I got here, which scared him the first time, but hasn't since.

"Oh um, I was wondering if you wanted to help me make breakfast? I good at eggs...but if I try an omelette it will turn into scrambled eggs, so don't tell me to do that..." we exit the room I've been claiming since Matthew and Gilbert left, Lud walking a bit behind me so I can use my cane without hitting him, again.

"Oh that sounds great! I can make cinnamon rolls, french toast, pancakes, but Lovi doesn't trust me with making bacon since I once got burned by the oil, it hurt for awhile but grandpa Roma patched me right up!" I'm smiling, but at the end it turns pained, "Grandpa Roma died a few years ago you see, I really miss him, me and Lovi both do, we lived with him until Lovi was 18 and I was 19. I wanted to stay with him forever, but he died, so I moved in with Toni and Lovi in their house, Grandpa Roma was the one that gave us the money for our cafe you know..."

A rough, but so gentle at the same time, hand lightly squeezed my shoulder, I lay my own, much smaller, hand over it, we both stop our walking.

"I miss my grandfather too, Gil and I called him Opa though, it's the German word for grandpa," Lud tells me, I smile softly.

"I would love to learn German, some people say it sounds scary...but it doesn't when the right people are speaking it, like you," I turn around, taking his hand that was on my shoulder and gripping it in my own, "German sounds nice when you speak it."

The silence that filled the sweet moment is ruined by my laugher when Lud gently moves my head farther to the left, "you were looking behind me Feli," he explains, joining in on my laugher, but his is much lighter and quieter than my own.

I gently hit his chest, "Ludwig! That was a sweet moment!" I pout, trying to turn back around, but Lud stops me midway.

"Then say it again...if you want to of course!" He says, letting go of my hand quickly.

I blink, but smile, turning to face him again.

"Okay, turn my head so I'm looking at you straight in the eyes," I command in the most authoritative voice I can managed, which doesn't exactly sound very authoritative now that i think about it...

He doesn't take notice, hesitantly holding my face in both of his hands, more gentle than before and slowly moving it, hopefully so I'm facing him.

"Okay." I smile, taking a deep breath.

"I would love to learn German some day, some people say it sounds scary and rough, demanding almost even if you are simply asking for some water...but it doesn't when the right people are speaking it, you're one of those people Ludwig, German sounds so wonderful and lovely when you speak it." We are silent, no one moving, I don't even look back we I hear dogs running through the dog door.

In a movie, this would be the point in which the two people kiss, and maybe a part of me wants this to be a movie, or a romance novel like the ones Lovi and Toni read.

But this isn't one of those.

This is the real world, a world where the two of us have PTSD that led us to being afriad of love and all that comes with it, led us to believe we weren't worthly of something nice like love or marriage or _happiness_ , that we were nothing but dirty and used.

This is a world where life isn't perfect, a world where nothing can hurt you because in the end you get your 'happily ever after'.

This is reality, a nightmare of depression, flashbacks, constant paranoia, and thoughts that are too loud.

I may want Ludwig to love me, I may want him to want to spend the rest of our lives together happy and free from reality and all its pain, but Ludwig could never love someone like me.

No one could ever love me, and maybe one day I'll find acceptence in that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there are a few reasons why this is the last chapter despite not having a 'happy ending'.
> 
> 1: I've lost motivation for this story  
> 2: I'm falling out of the Hetalia fandom, not completely but enough to have issues writing fics  
> 3: I want you to decide what happens next, do Feli and Ludwig get together? Marry? Have kids? Or do they just remain good friends?   
> 4: I'm aware this is a terrible place to end and you guys will be upset, and I am so sorry, but I invite you to read my other fics if you would like  
> 5: Though it will take a few years, I am writing a book with the exact same premise that I plan on publishing! It will likely be very similar, including the title being the same, but with different characters of course, so if you do really like this idea and want a finished piece with a happy ending, then look for that in the next few years! (though if anyone actually remains for that long, I will be shook)


End file.
